Hey...it's my blog!
and I can say practically anything I want, so I'm going to start
doing that right now:
Easter Sunday March 26 2005
I am so very very thankful to Bill for setting this
up and making it easier for me to get some of my thoughts out, and maybe reduce my stress and anxiety levels.
Jim called me early this morning to see if I wanted
to come over for breakfast. Dad was going to make Belgium waffles. I passed as my weight is going up and up and
I MUST get back on track and get rid of what I gained since I stopped Weight Watchers as well as what I still wanted to drop
while I was doing WW. Anyway, Jims voice is going bad again. That means the tumor is pressing against his vocal
cords. He goes to the Dr. on Wed. but unfortuantly I have to work so will be missing that appt. I'm not sure that
there is much more they can do to reduce the tumors and stop them from growning. The Dr. has used all the strongest
chemo drugs on him already and as soon as he is done with chemo for 3 weeks they start growing and appear in other parts of
his body. They have him back on Steroids so he is starting to gain weight and eatting much more....but that bothers
him cuz he HATES the thought of being fat and that is what the steroids do to him. I've noticed more and more that he
tends to obsesse (sp) about silly things and I wonder how much of that is due to the brain tumors. He has 7 spots on
his brain now, not sure how the radiation that he took for the past two weeks helped those, they had to do a shorter series
and a reduced amount of radiation since this is the second go around with brain radiation.
I tried to make Tommys Easter a nice one this year
since Jim was with us. He really is too old to be getting a basket but I made one up for him anyway. Besides the
candy, I got him an inexpensive camera that he really liked. But then when he asked if he could eat some candy and was
told "No, we are going to eat dinner in a few min" he had a fit. I often wonder where I went wrong in raising him.
Sometimes one would think he was 2 and not 12. I almost took him home right then and just have Dan bring food home to
us, but I had a long talk with him and he apologized and then was helpful doing the last min. things for dinner. We
had cornbeef and cabbage for Easter dinner since everyone in the family was sick on St. Patricks day and the thought of cornbeef
turned our stomachs.
Damn, I'm so very glad that Bill made this page possible
for me to write on. I really can't explain how much I needed a place just to ramble. Thank you sweetheart************
Monday March 28 2005
Holy Moly am I tired. I hardly got any sleep at all last night. I feel
asleep after my bath trying to warm up and then woke to go potty, and then maybe slept for 30 min. after that. My head
hurt and I was freezing cold and kept thinking how cold I was and that I should get up and put some sweats on, but I didn't
want to get out of bed again. Finally around 6AM I put them on but never did get to sleep.
I don't normally watch Dr. Phil but golf or something stupid is on channel 5 so
I turned the channel and found that his guest was Drew Berrymore. I really enjoy her, she is so intelligent and can
express such deep thoughts and ideas so well. I'd love to be able to express myself as she does.
Stopped at the Othordontist (sp) to see if they took our dental insurance for Tommy
to get braces, they do but they couldn't tell me how much they cover...they have to call and check on it. She was going
to let me know when we have our consultation on April 11 but I asked that they call me before then. I'm so worried that
it is going to be outragious in price. He goes in to get his teeth cleaned in about 45 min. so maybe the dentist can
give me an idea just from so many of his patients who have had braces.
Well, my head is still killing me but I'm going to work on the bathroom tub and
walls with the replacement steam cleaner. I MUST get that finished cuz it is driving me bloody insane that it isn't
totally clean by now.
Back from getting Tommys teeth clean and have lost ALL motivation to do anything
but bury my head in the sand. Had to pay them over 100 bucks for the work they did a couple weeks ago...that was my
balance after insurance. Then had to make another appointment cuz the kid has two freakin cavities....that is gonna
probably be close to another hundred and then when he gets the crown put on the tooth he had the root canel done on that is
gonna cost 285.00 and that is AFTER insurance pays. I can't even begin to think what those damn braces are gonna cost.
I was going to make an appointment for myself as I have a tooth bothering me and need my teeth cleaned.....well that appointment
isn't going to be made now. I'm really gonna have to get my ass in gear and find a second job, this is just too damn
expensive.
I'm beyond depressed about all the work that Tommy needs done in his mouth and
all the money we DO NOT have. Why can't he just listen when I tell him to brush his damn teeth. I almost
feel like taking all the Easter Candy away and never let him have another piece for the rest of his life.
Tuesday March 29 2005
The weather certainly warmed up today. It got up into the mid 70's and I was
so hot at work that I pulled my hair up off my neck and clipped it with a huge binder clip....looked like a geek but I didn't
give a damn.
Jim has a Dr. appt tomorrow, normally he has them on Mondays and I go with him but
the Dr. was on vacation so it had to be moved to Wed. I wish to hell I could be there as I want to hear everything the
Dr. has to say and to ask questions. His voice is even worse today then yesterday. Has the chemo and radiation
that he has been having for over a year now shrunk anything enough that it can be removed via surgery...like the tumor pressing
against his voice box. And with the tumors in his brain should he even be driving, or might they cause him to go into
a sezure (sp)
I don't think I have to work with Nancy tomorrow so that is a relief. She came
in today but thankfully it was when I was scheduled off, though I stayed an hour later to help catch up on buys. She
had on a new pair of capris today....she got them at 50% off so they only cost her 70.00. I told her that was nothing
but insane to pay that much money for a pair of capris, hell it is too much to pay for a reg. pair of jeans. I guess
that is the just shows how very different she and I are....she is all about having the brand name clothing and all that shit....I
say Give me inexpensive comfort and I'm happy.
Tommy is spending the night with Eddie tonight and as much as I love him it was nice
to have such a peaceful house tonight. Dan went to bed early so I was just able to watch TV and play a game on the computer
until my head started hurting even more...then I would quit for awhile and just sit in my chair here and watch TV. I
was going to do some laundry because it is in major need of getting done, but I just wanted to mellow out and not do anything
at all. I didn't even answer my cell phone when Corina called....I just didn't feel like talking to anyone. I
even had Dan take Tommy to Eddies so that I could stay home.
Damn, I wish to hell I could go to that Dr. appt in the morning. Dad and Jim
are so HORRIBLE at asking questions and understanding what the Dr. says.....hell if he starts talking Greek I say...OK please
explain that in simple English and then I repeat what I understand him to be saying so that if I am incorrect he can correct
me. Dad and Jim sit and listen and that is all they do.
On a good note, I bought a few scratch off tickets and won a total of 86.00....more
money for Tommys mouth. I can add that to the hundred I brought home from the boat last night.
Damn, I can't believe it is 2AM already...I was going to go to bed early tonight....like
right after the 10 o'clock news. The time just seems to fly at night and goes slower then a snail on valium during the
day.
06 April 2005
I sure wish I knew why I have such trouble somedays signing onto
sitebuilder to write in this blog.
This week at work has been HELL. I've already worked 9 days in a
row and I have to work tomorrow and possibly Friday as well. And both days Nancy is going to be there. She was
there today and she had some bee in her bonet. She gave out "new rules" that how did she put it.....I can't recall the
exact quote but basically it was.....follow these or get written up. Some of them were to follow the phone script to
the letter....guess that will be one writeup for me. Another one is the dress code...not sure if she was saying that
I can't wear my black jeans, if so then I guess that will be number two write up, cell phones are to be turned off or at least
the ringer....I try to do that but often forget. Greet each and every customer...funny Sheila came into work today and
Nancy was at the front counter and didn't greet her at all. She said I was checking out customers...honestly, I never
saw her in the store at all and I do feel guilty about that. She had a few more little rules but the killer was "There
is to be NO talking to fellow employess unless it is work related" So, hmmmm sounds like the customer is going to walk
into what was once a nice fun friendly store to a cold, robot run, scripted builder....yeah I'd want to shop there again
NOT. A job I once really enjoyed is now a little concentration camp. Oh another thing is that NO ONE is
EVER allowed to sit on the floor and the stool is being removed. We use to sit on the floor and tag clothing all the
time, customers didn't care as we got up to help them as soon as they approached the counter. Oh yeah...she said
these rules were Non Negotiable (however that is spelled). I fully expected her to add that Dr. note thing in if you
miss work due to illness and I was going to tell her "If you don't plan on driving me to the Dr. and paying my co-pay then
consider my two weeks notice put in starting today" But, I guess maybe she thought twice about that stupid rule.
It really sucks to see the place change for the worse so much. And it makes me wonder how much of this Scott is aware
of.
I asked Corina to ask her boss if there is any chance that I could get
a job where she is. They don't hire friends of employees but maybe if they know that we have worked together for 5 years
and it wasn't a problem then I might have a chance. I just think I need to move on cuz this job has lost the pleasure
it once held.
I miss my Bill. He didn't respond to my buzz when I was finally able
to spend some time on the computer so I guess he was sleeping.
I'm not sure when I'm suppose to call my OB back. He told me to keep
track of my period and let him know....well my last one was Feb 14-Feb 18th. Maybe I'll buzz him if I haven't started
by next month.
I can't believe how exhausted I am, it should would be nice to come home
from work and have the energy to get some of the work done around this house that I need to get done. I think I will
NOT go into work on Friday...It is suppose to be my day off anyway. I need to work in this house. I have so much
I want to do and I really want to move into the basement and that is going to take a REALLY long time to get ready for me
to move down there.
30 April 05
It has been awhile since I last wrote but this was due to the fact that
a chainsaw and my finger got into a battle....the chainsaw won. I think I did that on 09 April. It is still healing
and I can't bend it but a very little amount.
The worst thing that has happened has been the passing of my dear friends
cat. ((((Spook)))) rest in kitty peace, ((((Bill))) I love you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jim isn't doing well, his cancer is still spreading and is in his brain.
I worry about my father a great deal and I'm worried about my other brother as well as his spirits seemed to be extremly low
today. I spent a lot of time with him this afternoon and tonight, in hopes that he would open up to me.
This past Tuesday the girl scouts each made me a card expressing how sorry
they are that Jim is so sick. I cryed like a baby when I read each card they made me. I was so deeply touched.
I feel like my life is falling apart. It seems that I can't do anything
right. I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions and when I pick the one that I think is best, then someone gets
upset with me or hurt that I'm not with them. Take tonight for instance, I wanted to relax here on my computer with
my friend but I felt that I really needed to be with my brother Bill....and now my friend isn't talking to me. Earlier,
someone else wanted me to come over but I went to brunch with my son, and did a little shopping with him....he really begged
me to go to brunch with him, so I figured he needed to spend some time with me and that is very important. So
even though twice today I did what I thought was probably what was most needed of me to do, I still feel like I let others
down. Sometimes I wish I could just clone myself. No matter what choice I make it is never the right one for everyone
else, and if I were to make the choice based on my own wants, needs or desires then I feel like I am being selfish and not
a good friend, family member, or parent because someone will be wanting me to do something else. It is times like this
when I just wish to hell I could just run away from everything and everyone (though I'd have to run away with my son because
I couldn't live without him, yet sometimes I feel like such a horrid mother that maybe he would be better off without me.........)
OK, I'm done whinning now. It is after 2 AM and I have to go to bed as I have to work all day tomorrow and it looks
like the one person I've wanted to spend time with all day but haven't been able to is not going to talk to me because I wasn't
here at the computer earlier tonight. I just wish I knew how to please all those that are important to me all
the time, but I don't know how to do that............so someone always seems to be hurt or mad at me and in turn I get mad
at myself and my heart breaks knowing that I wasn't able to meet there needs.
